the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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