WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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