I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
