if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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