i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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