I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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