It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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