Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
