new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
