So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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