tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
