It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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