Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
