A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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