WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
