i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
