why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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