laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
