The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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