I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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