you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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