could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
