She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
