I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
