I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
