that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
