I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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