We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
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Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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