If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
