Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
