Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
