If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
