I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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