Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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