She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
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I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.