I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
im six kinds of drunk right now
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away