Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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