Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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