He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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