It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
