so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We are two peas in an std pod
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
