we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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