I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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