So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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