So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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