Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
