K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
