the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
