we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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