I think I died a long time ago.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
