u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Actions speak louder than pants.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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