I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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