walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
