Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
