i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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